Over the past few months, I’ve come to a realization: I don’t like writing software for money anymore. This realization has been difficult for me to grapple with, as being a software engineer has been a central part of my identity for many years now. I went to a prestigious university, one with a top computer science program, and left it excited for my career, which I really thought would make the world a better place. Nearly 4 years in, I’ve come to the end of my desire to write software. I no longer believe that writing software, at least in the mainstream technology industry, will make the world a better place. I’ve become convinced of the technology industry’s lack of compassion and in many cases outright evil behavior towards society at large, and I no longer want to be associated with it. I no longer want to identify as a software engineer. I’m sick of spending my time building castles in the air, products that have no real goal other than to marginally optimize a process that businesses are already doing at close to optimal speed. Not one line of code I’ve written in the past 4 years has even come close to helping someone who genuinely needs help. Every line of code I’ve written, however, has made it that much likelier that the millionaire venture capitalists who funded the companies I’ve worked at will profit from their investments and become, somehow, even wealthier. The only people I’ve helped are the ultra-rich. This fills me with dread and deep sadness.

Where do I go from here? Well, first off, I’m getting professional help. If you’ve never seen a professional therapist, I’d highly recommend it. Therapy has helped me develop healthy coping mechanisms and processes for snapping me out of anxious thought cycles. Besides getting some help, I’m trying to pull myself out of cyberspace and ground myself in the real world. I’m focusing more time on my family. I’m throwing myself into my hobbies - fly fishing and fly tying, running, hiking, taking photographs, leatherworking - anything that can leave physical evidence of my work or can address a physical need or want. I’m also trying to write more (as you can see by this post!). I’ve liked to write for a long time, and I’ve felt a desire to write my thoughts down lately. I’m in an ideal place to critique the technology industry, so expect a lot of that. But I’m also doing lots of thinking about what the Good Life should be, especially now that I’m removing my first career from the equation. I want to write about that as well. Something I’m not doing - I’m not writing software as a hobby anymore. My lack of motivation to work on hobby software projects was actually one of the first signs that something was off, so I’m not raring to engage in that hobby any time soon. I’m not writing it off completely though; I can see myself creating some hobby software in the future, particularly if I’m able to stop doing it professionally. That brings me to my final step: I’m actively looking for ways to leave the technology industry and software development behind. This is going to take some time, as I save up money and as I explore new careers. But I do want to do it. I’ve become increasingly convinced that the only way to subvert the rottenness in our culture (a culture largely driven by the technology industry’s actions) is to either employ myself, or to work for some non-profit organization that actually does some good. I will stay in software for a bit, mainly to secure as much financial stability for my family as possible, but I’m actively searching for and thinking of ways to leave.

Realizing that my chosen career is not what I thought it was has been deeply troubling for me. It’s made me fearful that I’ve wasted my life up until now, and it’s made me worried that I may be similarly hurt in the future with some other career. However, I’m glad that I’ve realized this so early in my life and that there is still a chance for a long time spent in service to others, striving for a better world. If you’ve been having similar thoughts to mine, I encourage you to explore them! Perhaps, if enough of us do, we will be able to create that better world we long for.